Forty Six Times Around The Sun

Forty six years ago today I came down from the Star World to join this earth walk. It hasn't always been good and it hasn't always been bad. Today I am grateful for where I am and where I'm going.

Eventually, you get to an age where you can remember being young and dumb, and you start to pray (if you’re prayerful) that you make it into your 90s. That’s where I’m at today. Today I declare that I have made it halfway to wherever it is I’m going and I feel blessed to be here.

I don’t know what it is about a birthday that makes you think about death, but boy oh boy, hello, death’s door. Just on pure data and statistics, just the numbers alone, statistically speaking, my life is over halfway done. Google it. Native men die younger than most in this country. LOL. Dark, but happy birthday to me.

I don’t want to die, not yet, anyway. If I can squeak out another 46 years, it’ll all have been worth it. Anything short of that will be bullshit.

This past week Mad’s nana died. She was just shy of her 84th birthday. Hearing stories of her love for her family, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and, importantly, her husband illuminates how full life can be when you live through love and family. Nana Pat’s passing is a sad and wonderful reminder of all of this.

I want to grow old with my partner Madeline and our children. I want to help our kids discover the world. I want to watch them live their lives to the fullest.

I find myself in a place where I am truly blissfully happy, even when life gets ugly. And it does get ugly at times.

The hardest year in my life is behind me.

I’m in therapy.

I’m working through childhood trauma.

I’m sober.

I’m eating better than I ever have.

At my heaviest (around 2018/2019), I weighed 350lbs. Today I’m 260lbs. The numbers are bullshit; I feel better than I have in over a decade.

I have discovered love in the deepest and purest sense of the word in my partner Madeline.

I have three incredible children that I adore more than anything in the world. They are formidable and are changing the world every day with their spirits.

I have work to do for myself. I am very much a work in progress. But I’m doing the work, and I’m doing my best.

Understanding the hurt my infidelity caused means accepting and taking responsibility for that hurt. I do.

Today, I am focused on love and gratitude.

I’m rediscovering my curiosity and intrigue in the world around me. Discovery and awe is at the core of life for me. It’s nice to feel this again in my life.

My mental, emotional and spiritual health has always been a struggle. Though never diagnosed, I know who I am and my struggles. Every day I try to put sadness and a sense of defeat behind me, and instead, I look for the beauty and the simplicity of this life in front of me.

It’s good to be here today.

Thanks for coming along on the ride here.

Here’s to 46 more times around the sun.

My new podcast drops here tonight; listen for it here.

You can buy me a sandwich and a coffee for my birthday if you want?! I like sandwiches as much as I like yelling around about decolonization and failed systems and the mystery of wind.

-Ryan